Holding onto Hope: Waiting for Healing

A few weeks ago I had the best surprise!  We attended a wedding in Abbeville.  As we walked out of the ceremony I noticed one of my good friends from way-back-when who I hadn’t seen for years!!!  I almost could not believe my eyes!!!  There is just nothing quite like connecting with an old friend–laughing until you can hardly catch your breath and talking about stuff that’s kind of personal, yet not needing to explain the whole situation because they already know.  And they get it.

Well, there was all that–and then there was the fact that she’s had some of the same health issues I have (and some different one, too), but is a good six months ahead of me in the healing process.  It was SO encouraging and gave me hope again.

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I needed hope, because my health had dipped way down again. :(  In October I had started feeling better.  I was running some, had days and even weeks when I was able to keep up with the house, and I was not just playing with the boys but enjoying playing with the boys–even at the end of the day.

The Sweedish bitters had been working well helping me absorb iron, but they really do taste pretty gross.  I had read that apple cider vinegar (organic, with the mother) creates stomach acid, too, and can help you absorb iron.  I’m kind of weird in that I like vinegar, so drinking a tablespoon before meals would not be a big deal–not to mention it costs about a third the price of the Sweedish bitters.

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Dr. Lebon agreed that I could try it.  After a week of switching to the vinegar I knew it wasn’t working, so switched back to Sweedish bitters.  A few weeks later the fatigue and shortness of breath had not improved, but was worsening.  I was again so fatigued I was on the couch a lot, was short of breath, having serious brain fog, shaking, my skin was turning yellow, and I was sooo cold.

Ian made me a dionsaur, “To amuse you. It’s only for people who are sick.”

You know what?  When you’re a mom, it is really, really hard not being able to function.  There are constant needs around you and they just keep coming, but you just can’t take care of them.  We were back to Steve coming home every evening after working hard all day and picking up the pieces–throwing in a load of laundry, doing dishes every night, cleaning up the house. He is a wonder.

Not only does stuff not get done, when a mom is in survival mode teaching and training and nurturing children starts and looking a lot more like quieting the worst arguments and pretty much doing only what has to be done.  :( 

There were some good days and some days when only parts of them were rough.  Still it was taking a toll on our family.

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In December we did more bloodwork.  It showed that though I still wasn’t absorbing iron properly the level had improved since when we first started.  That was encouraging.  I quit the greens I was taking because even they were causing me to react to iron.

I also got my thyroid tested, and started a supplement for hypothyroidism–finally!  Evidently hypothyroid symptoms and anemia symptoms are quite similar, so Dr. Lebon had wanted to see if they’d clear up by treating the anemia only since the deficit was greater.

Oddly enough I miss running a lot. And I say, oddly, because I have to push myself just to get out the door for a slow walk.   I wonder if I’ll be motivated to run once I get the go-ahead.  I’m just hoping I can run in time to train for the mission’s spring 5K.

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I’m starting to feel better again and am immensely grateful!  I’m getting a little restless wanting to feel WELL again! Those months when I was starting to feel better give me hope that it will come again.

I wrote all that^^ a few weeks ago.  Here are the current feelings: I am super frustrated to not be feeling well.  The last two weekends we had company and both times I was sick enough that I couldn’t even be with them some of the time.  After the first weekend I felt like throwing a fit.  Or maybe I did; I know I definitely cried a lot.  Sometimes I feel like we’re still missing something, and I’m just tired of being patient.

Last weekend one my friends from way back when was here.  We don’t stay in touch much at all, but we go right to the core when we get together.  She didn’t know that I haven’t been well.  On Sunday I was telling her that because I don’t look as sick as I feel I wonder if in my times of survival-beneath the surface–I come across as aloof. :/ :)  Maybe people who don’t know me would think that I’m just not a very energetic, involved person.  Maybe I just like hanging back in the corner, or I’m too shy or antisocial to hang out with groups much.  (no. no. no. so not the real me)

She thought that could easily be true, but told me that within minutes of walking in the door she wondered, “What is wrong with Christy?”  Even though I hadn’t told her, she could tell that I wasn’t felling well.  If I would feel half well enough I would be in the kitchen working as much as I could and telling her to go sit down.  (All said, as I sat at the island and she–my guest–washed the dishes.  I would never allow that if I was feeling well enough, and she knew it.)
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She said Steve has probably gotten used to me not being well, and I realized that I have, too.  As much as I keep hoping for better health I’ve adjusted to this being my functioning level. It’s so reassuring to hear from someone who knows me well that this version of me is not true; it’s not who I am.  Another doctor said today that I’m tired because I’m a mom, and that if I come back and tell her I feel 50% better she’ll feel that I’m perfectly healthy.

Today I can just brush it off and say, “Nope.  Not true.  I know what it’s like to feel tired from lack of sleep or from working hard or from being busy.  I know what it’s like to be unreasonably fatigued.  There’s more to this than being a mom of little ones, and I’m going to keep digging until I’m strong again.

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Well, I just preached myself a little sermon.  I wasn’t feeling nearly that determined, but now I am. :) I know some of you are feeling the same way–knowing something isn’t right, but you’re not finding answers or seeing the improvement you’re hoping for.

We’re in this together–holding on until we get better.  Trying to eat better and maybe even giving up sugar. Searching the web, again, hoping to find some answers. Praying for strength to get through the next hour. Praying for strength to hold on.  Thankful for everyone around us who supports us and helps us hold life together.  Thankful God is present in the muck of it all and that He is always good.  Thankful that He we can trust Him.

And hoping.  Hoping. Hoping we’ll be healthy again soon.

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11 thoughts on “Holding onto Hope: Waiting for Healing”

  1. Oh Christy! I was so hoping that you were doing great by now. I am sorry to hear that is not true. I have not been doing as well lately, although it’s not at all to the extent you have been dealing with, and it’s so discouraging. I can only imagine how much more so it is for you. Praying that you find answers and that healing can continue, and that you don’t lose hope, Much love!

    1. Oh, I’m sorry. :( Did you feel better when you were running? I know I did, but then I also used up too much iron, so it was kind of a catch-22. I’m starting to get more walking in, though, and hoping that will help. I am doing a little better than I had been though.

      1. I did feel better when I was running, but right now it’s almost impossible. Maybe it would be worth getting a treadmill. I think it’s also winter catching up with me. I struggle every single winter without exception. Also, when I wrote my comment, I think I was sick and didn’t know it. I hope things look brighter whenever we completely heal from this nasty virus that knocked us out so badly the past couple weeks.

  2. You have been on my mind so much the last while, I hate to hear that things aren’t improving. I pray often for you and will keep on doing so!

  3. Oh, Christy! I’m so sorry that you are feeling bad again! My heart aches for you to be feeling better again! I’ll keep praying for answers and healing!! ((hugs))

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